Chaotix as Usual!
by Shadowfang3000
Summary: A random depressed Englishman, upon reading the title to his fan-fiction, decides its time to become a Gary Stu! But he's gonna need some help from everyones favourite detectives...  WARNING: Symptoms upon reading include visions of Bill Gates & Diarrhea
1. So you want to be a GaryStu, eh?

Chaotix as usual!

Well, I've revisited my Sonic fanboy days, and resurrected my beliefs. Anyway, I've been low on ideas for Baby through Adult, and thought "Eh? Why don't make a fan fiction about the awesomeness that is TEAM CHAOTIX!" (And no, I'm not breaking out into song, since the muscle is Vector, who happens to be an assassin as well as a Karma Collector.) And here we go!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sonic team characters, or any of the cameo characters. I do own, of course, myself and my evil deathkitty Buttons.

Also! The personalities of each character in this comic is warped and twisted around all the time. Expect NO seriousness!

Chapter 1: A bit of a Gary-Stu, eh?

The Chaotix were exhausted after their last case. Chasing down a Mobster and taking out his team of goons was harder the depicted in the games. Vector was dangled over the desk, drooling all over his paperwork, as Espio hid in a cardboard box, apparently running his town of ants. The sound of running was heard through the office, as Espio threw his box into the air (Which for some reason popped into a ball of smoke)

"Vector, I sense something different... And it smells a lot like B.O if you know what I mean..." Vector nodded, and dived under his desk, before pulling out an Omochao. He twisted the top and strapped a bomb to it which he had 'borrowed' from one of the goons, before the door was thrown wide open. He threw it:

"PRESS THE B BUTTON TO JUMP!" Omochao exclaimed, before blowing on contact to the figure at the door. Vector glared into the smoke, only to hear a string of curses, at least that what he thought he heard.

"Bloody Buggering flamin' bollocks of 'ell!" Shouted a fairly exaggerated British accent. Another, demonic voice rumbled.

"YOU HAVE BEEN DISCOVERED FOOL! SILENCE!" The voice cut off the Londoners rambling, his knees heard knocking together in fear. The smoke cleared, revealing a cheap recolour of Shadow. His fur was a Maroon colour, and his streaked arms and legs were a slightly darker shade. He wore long dark blue jeans, converses and a jacket, as well as a loose scarf and what seemed to resemble a cavalier hat, shrowding an awesome shadow over his eyes, allowing only his teal irises visible under the epic shade. He coughed a few times, and shrugged off.

"Ahem. Sorry guys, that was my extremely angry and slightly cheesed off voice." He spoke with a much more basic and simple South Western Londoners accent. Vector's mouth was open wider than usual, as Espio heaved it back up.

"And exactly who are you?" Espio said somewhat epically. The Londoner grinned, before throwing his hat in the air and spinning into a pose.

"Laaaaalalalaalaalalaaaaaaaa! Your host for this fan fiction has arrived! Shadowfang reporting for duty!" A normal cat emerged from behind him, somewhat tired looking.

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO REVEAL YOURSELF BEFORE THE CLIMAX OF THIS STORY" A voice boomed, before Shadowfang kneeled down to the cat and whispered.

"But they know I'll forget what is and won't finish it!"

"ENOUGH OF YOUR VILE! FEED ME YOU LITTLE PANSY!" The cat roared, before noticing the Chaotix staring at the duo, reaching for their pitchforks.

"OH, I FORGOT ABOUT THESE PATHETIC THINGS. AHEM ~Mew mew!" Charmy suddenly burstout from a nearby cupboard, and hugged the poor feline to death.

"How the hell did you get out of there!" Espio growled, as Charmy began chewing on the pissed off cats ear.

"I just dislocated both shoulders and slipped my arms through the ropes!" He said, putting on a polo-neck and shades.

"Anyway, according to this obviously fake letter that was definitely not written by an Englishman, I'm here to join you, and be a Gary Stu!" SF pulled out a comb and brushed his hair, tossing the letter into Vectors hands.

"Exactly why should we believe you didn't write this?" Vector grumbled

"It's written in American, not English. Different languages!" SF spat quickly, hopping into a corner and hiding in Espio's box. Vector read the surprisingly short note, written in a yellow crayon:  
_"Well hooowwwwday! Tarnation and all dat crap! I say a WELCOME to the Chaotix Krew! Darn-tootin' this ain't written by any Xenophobeeec Englandish man!"_

Vector threw the note into his mouth, chewed it, and spat it out into SF's face.

"Hell no! We've got a full house already, clear off!" The ball of saliva and paper ran down SF's face, revealing extremely large and crying eyes. Suddenly, the sound of a Shoryuken sounded off, as the cat kicked Charmy back into his cupboard, which Espio quickly closed and attached Satchel charges to it. The cat jumped off of the crying Englishmans head, pulled out a claw and put it close to Vectors eye.

"LISTEN HEAR, BUDDY. THIS PATHETIC LEECH OF A MAN LIVES IN LONDON. QUALIFIED ROCKET SCIENTISTS HAVE TO BECOME TESCO WORKERS DOWN THERE BECAUSE OF ALL THE BLOODY IMMIGRANTS STEALING OUR FUNKING JOBS. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM, BUT HE'S HE RAT BASTARD WHO KNOWS HOW TO FEED ME MY FUNKING CAT NIP! SO YOU BETTER GIVE HIM A JOB, OR I'LL STICK MY PAW SO FAR DOWN YOUR NECK I COULD RIP OFF THE LABEL FROM YOUR UNDERPANTS! SAVVY!" The cat shook Vector against the wall, until he agreed.

"F-F-Fine! Welcome aboard!" The cat jumped off him, and distended his claw:  
"UNTIL NEXT TIME, YOU LITTLE NIT!"

(A/N) There we go! The end of the first chapter! What do you think of the cast and crew on set?


	2. Indeed, a Pimp Wagon!

Chaotix as usual!

Well, I've revisited my Sonic fanboy days, and resurrected my beliefs. Anyway, I've been low on ideas for Baby through Adult, and thought "Eh? Why don't make a fan fiction about the awesomeness that is TEAM CHAOTIX!" (And no, I'm not breaking out into song, since the muscle is Vector, who happens to be an assassin as well as a Karma Collector.) And here we go!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sonic team characters, or any of the cameo characters. I do own, of course, myself and my evil deathkitty Buttons.

Also! The personalities of each character in this comic is warped and twisted around all the time. Expect NO seriousness!

Chapter 2: Indeed, a Pimp Wagon!

Vector leant over his personally customised Army Humvee, tuning up he engine to the beat of "Barbie and the Nutcracker". Tempted by the tune, Espio gave SF a swift knee to the happy sacks, and was about to pull of the worst pun ever when Charmy interrupted, having somehow escaped the Satchel Charges:

"So, exactly what are we doing?" Vector arose from the car engine, wearing a dirty bikers beard and shades.

"Well, this guy wants to be a Gary Stu, doesn't he? All Gary Stu's are pimps, and all pimps, such as myself, need a Pimp Mobile!" Charmy revised the last chapter, tugging on his curled moustache

"Oh yeah... Well, in exactly what way are you even a pimp?" Charmy growled, before Vector kicked him into the air:

"BECAUSE I OWN YOU!" Buttons grinned as Charmy hit a helicopter and flew back down.

"DOESN'T THAT MEAN _I'M_ A PIMP!" SF slowly arose in agony, before Buttons sneaked in a Shoryuken to his meat and two veg.

"_Why does everyone hate me?_" SF mumbled as he slowly wobbled to the floor in agony, he suddenly arose again.

"Hmm, I didn't actually feel anything that time..." Vector pulled off his beard with a yelp and handed SF some counterfeit notes.

"Alright, take these. Go buy the biggest, baddest, maddest, most expensive car you can spot!" SF was about to object, but Charmy, having recovered from his flight, nutted him before Vector threw him into the distance.

Shadowfang returned a few hours later, in what appeared to be a mouldy old Ford Fiesta, which screeched in agony as he slowly moved at 10 MPH towards the Chaotix.

"What the hell took you so long?" Vector growled, as SF kept moving.

"It's got a bomb on it which explodes if I go under 9 MPH." He cried, as he went past the Detectives and fell off a nearby cliff.

"Weird, that wasn't there before..." Espio said, scratching his head as Buttons flew towards the cliff.

"YOU FEMALE CHIEN! YOU FORGOT TO GIVE ME TODAYS SUPPLY OF CAT NIP!" Buttons grabbed hold of SF by the collar, and flew back up to the top of the cliff, slapping SF a few.

"Wait, you're telling me THAT was the best car you could find?" Vector questioned as SF stood up.

"I'm from London." SF muttered. Suddenly, he remembered something:

"Oh, and the place I bought it from was covered by the Police. After about 10 hours of paperwork, they'll come over and arrest me for usage of counterfeit bills.

"Bugger, that'll hurt our rep." Vector grumbled, as Espio and Charmy exploded behind him.

"WHAT BLOODY REP!" The Police suddenly arrived, well, the Mounties rather.

"You, sir, are under arrest!" Constable Benton Fraser said in his calm Canadian accent. SF gasped.

"Who the hell sent you guys?" Fraser pulled out a large planner, filled with chores in progress, such as ending world hunger:

"A bloke named 'Charge' sent us, sir." SF sighed, shaking his fist into the air:

"Damn you Political Pokemon battles!" he whimpered, as another Constable put him in cuffs.

"Take him to Toronto lads, he's English, he'll die from the cold." Fraser grinned somewhat evilly, as the Mounties chloroformed Shadowfang and tied him to the back off a horse.

"Thank you kindly for your help good sirs." Fraser said politely, as the Chaotix stood in awe.

"N-No, you got it all wrong! Don't take SF away!" Charmy cried, Fraser grinned.

"You can have my hat" Charmy's eyes lit up:

"SOLD! You can take that Son of a Londoner!" Fraser hopped onto his horse, and rode off, SF's head hitting the concrete of the road on tune to the Mountie's whistling of "Mozart's Requiem".

(A/N): Thats right, we've got Due South and Sonic in the same bloody fic! Who the hell would've thought of that?

Anyway, next time, we discover what it's like to be a Londoner in Toronto! Until next time, cheerio!


	3. So THATS where the classics went!

Chaotix as usual!

Well, I've revisited my Sonic fanboy days, and resurrected my beliefs. Anyway, I've been low on ideas for Baby through Adult, and thought "Eh? Why don't make a fan fiction about the awesomeness that is TEAM CHAOTIX!" (And no, I'm not breaking out into song, since the muscle is Vector, who happens to be an assassin as well as a Karma Collector.) And here we go!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sonic team characters, or any of the cameo characters. I do own, of course, myself and my evil deathkitty Buttons.

Also! The personalities of each character in this comic is warped and twisted around all the time. Expect NO seriousness!

Chapter 3: So THATS where the classics went!

Shadowfang wasn't having the best day of his life. For starters, he had one hell of a neck ache, and was developing a large rash. He was also suffering from his monthly case of extreme mouth ulcers, and sat pouting with his hands shielding his lips... Oh, and he'd just been put into a prison in Toronto due to using fake pound notes. Sat next to him was a rather peed off Weasel, who chewed on a toothpick due to PEGI ratings being at +3. He roared in a thick Australian accent.

"So hows your bloody bomb going Duckie the Dick?" The frozen cell melted from his roar, but soon reassembled in the blink of an eye. A green duck with a red bandana stuck his hollow head out of his cell bars.

"Its Dickie the Duck, Nack!" The Duck laughed hysterically in a South African accent (!) , throwing a cherry bomb across to the Weasel, who in turn kicked it up, sending the small sphere of pain into SF's mouth. His eyes watered as he silently squealed and hopped in pain.

"Right-o. So, should I just pick the lock open using my plastic fork?" Nack lifted up a small, broken fork which was covered in some indescribable brown substance.

"I... Was waiting for that actually" Dickie said, as the Aussie mumbled a variety of curses under his breath.

"Avada cadavra, Crucio, Imperio..." (What else would he say? Yet again, if he was in Shadow the Hedgehog©™ he'd be screaming damn at the top of his lungs...)

With a small click, the cell door swung open, and out jumped Nack with a tearful SF crawling behind him.

"Haha! Popped that sucka open like a can of beans!" Dickie waved his hands like a lunatic out of his cell bars.

"Me next! Me next!" Nack put a finger on his lip, thinking briefly.

"Okay, I'll pop your ARMS out of their sockets, eh?" Dickie clapped in joy oblivious to what was about to unfold.

"Yay! Your gonna pop my Arse Right Maison Speedy!" Dickie slowly exclaimed, Nack restrained himself from slapping him a few, and got to work on the lot as SF shook due to pain, fear, or the cold.

"I think I actually lost some intelligence from hearing that..." Nack muttered, before that familiar click sounded, and the cell door opened.

"Hehheh, I just levelled my lockpick skill!" Nack grinned as Dickie and a large yellow Polar Bear, with a similar red bandana on him exited. Nack lunged for Dickie, yet the polar bear gave him a quick left hook in the face, sending the weasel into a nearby wall.

"My names Dickie the Duck!" Dickie introduced himself to SF, who gave a thumbs up. The polar bear growled in a New Zealanders accent.

"He's called Bean, mate. And I'm Bark" SF raised an eyebrow:

"Are you sure? Barks more of a dogs name rather then a Po- FUUUUUUUUUUC-" SF squealed as he rocked in the fetal position. A loud crack was heard, followed by a chorus of Aussie and Canadian curses. Nack just had the luck of sliding down from his wall onto the head of a guard.

"COMMONWEALTH HOOOOOOOUSE!" The Canuck screeched, as Nack ran back to the unlikely team.

"CHEESE IT!" Nack slipped between Bean, Bark and SF. The 3 exchanged glances, and pursued him.

...

The quartet had made it to the outer snow covered perimeter. SF's worn, British made shoes had since dissolved, and he hopped on his toes across the freezing blanket.

"We're almost out!" Bark grinned, until the four slid to a stop at the main door.

"God, if only we had a ram of some sort, or at least something large and flat!" Nack, Bean and SF suddenly looked Bark up and down, pausing for a moment.

...

"1, 2, 3!" A chorus of 'Heave!' rumbled, as 3 men threw the failed Gary Stu at the door.

"FUUUUUUUC- MY ULCER!" Bark grabbed his leg and dragged him off, keeping up a surprisingly good pace with his lighter comrades.

"Walk it off, you pansy!" The New Zealander growled, purposely running near rocky surfaces.

A Mountie pointed his rifle at the escaping convicts, but Fraiser put a hand on his shoulder:

"No, we're legally not allowed to use rifles outside of Canada." His comrade raised a brow as he lowered his gun

"But aren't we in Canada, sir?" Fraiser grinned, calling out a large pack of deaf wolves with a whistle.

"We're somewhere thats just as frozen... We're in Aberdeen..." A large evil grin filled his face as a surprisingly British sounding evil laugh echoed in the snowy wastes.

And thus, the Pommie, the Aussie, the Kiwi and the Duck whose nationality has no real nicknames charge into a small town, unknown of the horrors that awaited in the wasteland that had come to be known as Scotland.

(A/N): Oooo, I'm so gonna get flamed by the Scottish for that D:

Anyway, next time, the Chaotix finally decide to get their arses into gear, and rush to Shadowfangs aid!


	4. Meanwhile, at Tesco Express

Chaotix as usual!

Well, I've revisited my Sonic fanboy days, and resurrected my beliefs. Anyway, I've been low on ideas for Baby through Adult, and thought "Eh? Why don't make a fan fiction about the awesomeness that is TEAM CHAOTIX!" (And no, I'm not breaking out into song, since the muscle is Vector, who happens to be an assassin as well as a Karma Collector.) And here we go!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Sonic team characters, or any of the cameo characters (*cough* Canadian *cough). I do own, of course, myself, my evil deathkitty Buttons, Scallywag and Savvy (Hey! Every Sonic fic has fan-characters in D:).

Also! The personalities of each character in this comic is warped and twisted around all the time. Expect NO seriousness!

Chapter 4: Meanwhile, at Tesco Express...

It was 6 am, as Vector stood at the end of a Tesco "Express" line leading from London to Glasgow. According to the couple infront of him consisting of a Male Beech Marten and some sort of Female Artic Fox, who held a bloodied newborn baby, the line had been going for 6 weeks, and because of that they had to deliver the baby without a Doctor due to the necessity of the consumption of a packet of Cherry Bakewells they had on hand. Apparently, the father preferred the Bakewells to their newborn.

"Well, I find Bakewells to generally be cuter and better then children by the long shot, not to mention the fact they don't vomit and dump all over our white walls." He said in an Austrian accent, patting the hunched crocodile's shoulder. Said croc grabbed a nearby sleeve and wiped his now chocolate-coated shoulder... At least he hoped it was...

...

Soon enough, the queue had advanced greatly, interrupting the Marten and Vectors game of "Spot the Organised Robber". Being in London, they found none. The Marten stood up, his wife still clutching her child, who looked less and less impressed with each passing minute.

"Ah, finally. I wonder what took so long?" Vector asked, keeping a pace behind his new found friend. The group soon realised as the voice that represented the fears of someone from Outer London:

"PLEASE CHOOSE YOUR FIRST ITEM" A formal voice rumbled from the Self-Service Checkout. Several Members of staff grabbed the nearest painkiller and hit the deck. The Martens wife whispered in Vectors ear in a strong Dutch accent:

"Alright... Just back-up, if we want to live..." Vector nodded slowly, and joined them as they backed towards the door at a snail's pace.

"NOTES ARE DISPENSED BELOW THE SCANNER." The Quartet escaped from Express, and said their goodbyes before leaving for their homes.

...

"WHATS IN THE BAG!" Charmy screeched, ripping the Tesco bags away from an exhausted Vector. He didn't know whether to be angered or flattered by Charmy taking the heavy blighters. As Charmy dipped his freakishly large head into the deathtrap, Espio decided to ninja in on a Chandelier that wasn't in the Office before. The diamond-encrusted beauty shattered into shimmering shards on the cold floor.

"... How much did it cost?" Vector groaned, as Espio's eyes began to tear up:

"Half of my Liver and Half of the office..." Vector shook his head.

"Half the office? To who?" Suddenly, two familiar faces action rolled in, hopped over the broken glass in pain and slid on their knees:

"Oooooooooh, Goooood-Mornin! Good Mornin'! A happy day to yooooooou!" The Marten and Fox cheered, spinning canes in their hands.

"The Barbershop Duo..." Espio bashed his head against the diamonds while Vector ripped his front teeth out and tried to choke himself and Charmy to death with them

"ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! THIS WAY YOU WON'T SUFFER!" Vector did not think through his plan through, since Charmy had erected a full set of Paper bag armour, each with giant chicken drumsticks stuffed inside for maximum protection from child molesters... And giant crocodiles. It wasn't long before Espio discovered that sharp things can be used to kill things OTHER than yourself, and threw the diamonds embedded in his no-nose at the Barbershop Duo. The Diamonds hit both of them in all their vital organs: Brain, Heart, Lungs, Eyes, Ass etc. They collapsed in a heap, much to Vectors shock:  
"You just killed them!" Espio sheepishly grinned, and wiggled the Martens mouth as he attempted to impersonate him

"IIIIIIIIIII...Am not deaaaaaaaddd... At all..." Vector stood still for a moment, then happily smiled.

"Well, you're a trained professional, so I'm just going to have to trust you... In that you didn't brutally murder a loving family. That happened to like Hair-gel and Saturday night fever."

"Allons-y!" The duo arose, the diamonds now beautiful earrings "The lethal weapons are now diamond!" Espio sighed, pulling out his exploding shuriken

"I've got a stash! Bring it!" Vector lowered Espio's arm dramatically... Cutting himself on the edge of the stars and silently screaming, before pulling out SF's Cavalier hat (Which he left in an attempt to cover a magazine filled with images of Sharon Rainsworth, Christopher Lee, Ian Mckellen and Sean Bean... In swimsuits...):

"So exactly who are you two chaps?" Vector sipped from a random tea cup, as the Barbers finally decided to reveal their names after a 2.34321/4 of chapter of referring to them by the two creatures of immeasurable adorableness that they happened to be.

"The lovely lady of a different species to I is Mrs. Savvy Barber, while this polite gentleman that is speaking to thou now is Mr. Scallywag Barber!" said the Marten, to which a long silence was awarded. The sound of a tea cup and plate smashing eachother to pieces was heard, as Vector replied.

"I say, wot with that and all... Would ye be committing bestiality in some sense, eh?"

...

Shadowfang clenched his chest in pain, collapsing in the snow and looking up to the sky. Fang growled:

"What the hell's up pommie?" SF raised his arms dramatically, as Bean supplied an exhaust pipe to ease his breathingL

"I feel someone just attempted to fake every single English accent in Britain..."

...

"Hey, its the world of Sonic. That Tails prat shagged a plant didn't he? And Knuckles!" Savvy said, pausing to sneeze.

"... Knuckles what?" Espio grinned sadistically, preparing to write it down on Twitter.

"Well, let's just say he spends a good bit of his time with that Master Emerald!" Savvy concluded, before Charmy butted in

"SHE IS IMPLYING THAT KNUCKLES HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH THE MAS-" With his flanks open for attack, Vector drew a tea pot, smashed it over his head and lodged the shards into Charmy's side as he lunged towards the deranged bee.

"Soooooooooo, are we gonna go save Shadowfang in a dramatic rescue scene of drama?" Espio mumbled, turning his horn upside down to scratch the area between his eyes.

"I guess, and due to a series of plot-holes, apparently we know that he's in Aberdeen! FORWARD MARCH!" Scallywag exclaimed.

(A/N): Yeah, Scallywag and Savvy are both animals that are extinct on the British Isles ;_;


End file.
